Zamane

Sonra bir cümle alelacele döküldü ağzımdan, tutamadım. “Ben gidiyorum.”
Sen kalıyor musun?
Bir kaç gün daha kal bence, hani belki fikrim değişir geri dönerim. Bulamazsam çok acı çekerim bak. Bence sen biraz daha kal. Hatta hayatında ben varmışım gibi devam et. Hani olur ya hüzünlenirim, hava almak ister aklım. Belki okşanmak ister egom. Sen iyisi mi biraz daha kal. Soğuk olur geceleri, sıkı giyin üstünü ve üşütme ben gelene kadar. Seni çok düşündüğümden değil ya işte, sağlam durman gerek. Benim arada senin kapını aralamam gerek. Sen bekle, ben kendimi gezintiye çıkarıp döneceğim. Belki yine seveceğim ama sen bekle. Beklemenin kime zararı var. Hatta yararı bile olur, insan sabrı öğreniyor. Güzel şey sebat etmek. Bu zamanda kimde var. Ama sen öğren. Öğrenmenin yaşı mı var? Benden bir şey daha öğren. Gezintiye çık ara sıra. Balık tut dilersen, sabrına sabır katıyor. Totem yap kendine hatta. Bir dakika içinde bir balık tutarsan, ben döneceğim mesela. Zevkli oluyor, benden söylemesi. Zaman nasıl geçiyor anlamıyorsun. İlk birkaç günü dakika dakika sayıyorsun mesela. Sonrası ışık hızı gibi geçiyor desem, demeyeyim. Çünkü geçmiyor. Sana önerebileceğim en iyi terapi, çocuklarla vakit geçir. Kendimden biliyorum. Neyse, beni çok karıştırmayalım bu işe. Söz konusu sensin. Ben de yokum, biz zaten yoktuk. Başa çıkmanın yollarını anlatıyordum, nerden karıştırdın şimdi beni.
Geceleri mi, bilirim; uyku bölünür. Ben en çok sola dönerdim. Yine beni karıştırdım. Peki, sustum. Sana değil, kendime sustum.
Yemek de yenilmez, en güzeli de bu sanırım. Fazla kilolarından şikayet ederdin. Bu diyet sana çok iyi gelecek. Her yanı kötü değil bensizliğin, görüyorsun ya. Ama yine de çok da abartma sen. Korkma, hep de böyle sürmeyecek, bir haftaya açılır iştahın.
Asık suratlı seni. Benle çok gülüyordun sanki, yüzünden düşen parçalarla dış borcumuzu kapatırdık. Tamam, şaka yapmak yok. Benim tuzum kuru ne de olsa, kusuruma bakma. İnsan gidince kalanı pek anlayamıyor. Ne kadar çabalasam da senin yerine koyamıyorum kendimi. Bekleyen hep beklermiş gibi geliyor. Şimdi sana döneceğim demiyorum ama dönmem de diyemiyorum. Ne bileyim ben de bu aralar iki arada bir deredeyim. Uykum düzenli, yemek saatlerimi aksatmıyorum. Yaz da geldi, kendimi hiç boş bırakmıyorum. Bol programlı bir düzen kurdum, kurulu saat gibi oradan oraya.

………

Ne kadar oldu, benim canım sıkılmaya başladı. Yazsam, nasılsın desem. Yok ben gittim şimdi, olmaz. Sen desen. Demezsin, ne inatçısın bilirim. Birden çıksam karşına, yolunu kessem. Eski günlerdeki gibi sürpriz yapsam. Bir demet çiçekle gelsem kapına. Olmaz mı? Ne affetmemesi, ara vermedik mi biz. Ne saçmalıyorsun, başka biri mi var. O kadar oldu mu sahiden. Beni unutacak kadar oldu mu? Unutmadın, yalan söylüyorsun. Sende hasret azaldı, bende neden çoğaldı böylesine. Ben meğer seviyormuşum. İş işten geçemez, sen benden vazgeçmezsin. Hatırlamıyorum, sen söyle bari “biz neden ayrılmıştık?” Ben gittim sadece, sonsuza kadar kaybolmadım ki. Burdayım işte. Tut bak ellerimi. Gitme lütfen, beni böyle bırakamazsın.
Gitme!

Serpil Kaya

“Zamane” için 238 cevap

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