Uyandır Beni…

Kahvenin soğuk gelmesine aldırış etmemiştim.
Hayat buz gibiydi, üşütüyordu; bir kahveye mi kafa yoracaktım.
Tek solukta içtim, ayıldım. Ama hayatın bu uykusundan ne içersem içeyim ayılmayacağım apaçık ortaydı. Farkındalıklar, terapiler, ruha ufak ufak dokunuşlar, şoklar, cenazeler, kazalar, sevinçler ve mutluluklar; an içinde kalıyor. Ayılmayı ne kadar istesen de hep uyku halin devam ediyor.
Yalın bir cümle gibi hayatım, kısa ve anlam içermiyor. Veyahut bana öyle geliyor. Geriye dönüyorum ne zaman başladı bu uyku haline geçişim, diye düşünüyorum. Sanırım günlerden hafta içi bir gündü. Pek hatırlamıyorum, öyle çok zaman geçmiş ki üstünden. Geçiş izni sonrası, kelimeler aktı içime. Bir noktaydım, bir hiçtim. Sustum. Neden sustuğum soruldu. Daha çok sustum. Hazmetmeye çalışıyordum, anlamadın mı? Elimdeki peçete un ufak oldu. Sen karşında oturuyorum sanıyordun ama ben masanın altında saklamıştım, tıpkı küçükken yaptığım gibi. Ne zaman düşünmek istesem ne zaman içime bakmak istesem alanımı daraltırım. Kimi zaman bir yorganın altı olur kimi zaman bir odanın köşesi. Masanın altında ayaklarımı kendime çektim, ellerim çenemde; küçük bir kız çocuğu gibi oturdum. Bir sürü telaşlı ayaklar geçti, sen hiç susmuyordun. Bir çocuk geçti, eğilip güldü halime. Bir köpek havladı, korktum. Siyah topuklu ayakkabısı olan bir kadın, taraklı ayakları olan yaşlı bir teyze, ışıklı ayakkabılarına bakarak giden küçük bir erkek çocuk. Nasıl mutlu! Göz göze geldik. Gözleri parladı. El salladı, ben de yaptım aynısını.
Tamam dedim , neye tamamdı bu. Konuşmaya mı tamamdı, oturmaya mı, sevmeye mi tamamdı, bitişe hazırlanan bir tamam mıydı. Sanırım hepsiydi. Kalktık. Gidip yüzümü yıkamam gerekiyordu. İznini rica ettim. Çok kaldı suyun altında ellerim, gözlerim aynada kendi gözlerime asılı kaldı. Ne idim, kimdim, ne yapıyordum , ne istiyordum? Derin nefesler aldım, sifonu çektim bir yaşanmışlığa. Elimi yudum soğuk bir kış günü, buz gibi bir suda. Çıktım. Önce önüme, sonra sağıma soluma bakındım yoktun. Kanatıp beni, kaçmışmıydın ne yani. İnanmak istemiyor insan. Yine de bekledim, insanlar kalmayıncaya kadar. Yalnızlıktan başım dönene kadar , tüm dükkanlar tüm kolonlar üstüme üstüme gelene kadar oturup bekledim. Saate baktım, dönmen gerekirdi. Kimse dönmedi. Ne ışıklı ayakkabıları olan çocuk döndü ne sen döndün. Yürümeye başladım, sonra bir dumanın önce boğazıma takıla takıla içime süzülüşünü sonra kalp odakcıklarımda ne var ne yok kontrol ederek dışarı çıkışını izledim. Sordum, ne var ne yok dedim. Duman anlamsız bir şekle büründü. Ne anlatmak istemişti. Yoksa istemedi mi. Sonrası malum; yavaş adımlar , isteksizlik ve bin bir türlü ruh hali. Yanlış otobüse binmişim, yanlış yerelerde indim. Yolumu bir süre bulamadım. Aklımı bir süre bulamadım. Sanırım masanın altına düşmüştü. Kendimi bir süre bulamadım.
O gece uzandım, yol yorgunuydum, his yorgunuydum, sevda yorgunuydum . Sızmışım. Kıyamadılar uyandırmaya. Ben de istemedim zaten. En ücra köşesine oturmuşum aklımın, kalkmıyorum yılar oldu. Böyle iyi. İyi böyle. Buna benzer bir şey demiştin , anımsıyorum .”Hepimiz için böylesi iyi.” Nereden biliyordun. Ben iyiydim öyle, böyle değil.

Serpil Kaya

“Uyandır Beni…” için 455 yanıt

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